The gifts cancer has given me

Life. My road through life thus far has been bumpy and sometimes jagged. Not sure it's ever been smooth. I wonder if anyone's has been? If you looked at my life from the outside, you might shake your head in disbelief, you might relate totally, or you might think, that girl is so lucky! See, that's the thing about perspective. Everyone has a different point of view. The eagle flying above sees a vast picture with views for miles. Where, we, as humans only see what's right in front of us, whether looking forward or backwards. That's how I tend to think about God. God sees it all. The big picture. The wrongs, the rights, the joys, and the sorrows. God knows why each experience is perfect for the one receiving it. This knowing, has helped me walk through some of the largest trials I have faced in my life. It has led me out of the dark pits of what could only be described as hell. It has been my "saving grace".

Now, as I walk this journey with Swanny, my best friend, my sister, of almost 20 years, that perspective allows me to walk with joy in my heart. I have made it my goal to receive cancer's blessings in my life. I am fully focused on rising up and doing what is needed in each moment, rather than focusing on the fear and sadness that I feel. Seeing the blessing in all that is lain before me. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely days when I want to pull the covers over my head and hide, and somedays I try. (Hard to do with 5 kids that need you all the time.) but, like I tell my children feel sad when you're sad, feel angry when you're angry, but you are not allowed to live there! You keep walking. Even when we want to fall to our knees, we keep walking. I thought I would share some of the gifts that cancer has bestowed upon me...

Live and love in this very moment. 

Do not wait for things to be perfect to be happy. 

Enjoy every breath you take on this Earth. 

The body is an amazing, miraculous thing!

Laugh. A lot.

Live on purpose. 

Say yes more.

Don't get so mad that you lose focus of the good.

People are good.

Be present. So, so present.

Slow down. Speak slower, make decisions slower, live slower.

Hope is strong!! Faith is even greater. And trusting what IS?? That is the key. 

Miracles are happening in every single moment, but you must have eyes to see and ears to hear. I believe in miracles.  

Last week, we got some scary news, had to do some more tests, and then got the results.  They are not ideal.  The cancer has spread to Swanny's liver.  It is not what we had hoped for. It isn't the reality that any of us would like to be living with, but it is our reality. From the beginning of this whole thing, we have hoped to cure it and just be done with the whole cancer thing.  Life doesn't always work that way.  We get what we need for our souls to grow, not what we want on a human level. I am trusting that this experience is perfect for our family and that we are doing God's work here on Earth. This I know for sure.. We will walk together as a family. Hold hands tighter than we ever have, and we will cross the finish line together. No matter the outcome, love always wins. But only always. 

I like Real.

I like real. Like the raindrops that dried on my window. Some may say they take away from the beauty of the sunset in the distance, but I beg to differ. The messiness of those spots is perfection for me. Makes me love this moment even more. I think of my life and all the blemishes or spots, and I can't help but think of their perfection. I think of the people I love and their blemishes and how those specks of dirt make me love them even more. I will take a flawed, humble, truthful person and their story any day over someone who portrays themself as perfect. I value my loved ones and their ability to share themselves with me. All of themselves. Even, no, especially, the flawed, dirty parts. Real, honest truth sets my soul on fire. I cry sometimes at people's ability to be real, to be honest, to be vulnerable. I am real too. I love who I am. All of who I am. Even the parts that make me cringe when I think of them. The parts of me that are often hard to say out loud. I love all of me. I know so many who don't though. So many who feel inadequate, unworthy. Like the spots on the window. As if there is a constant chitter chatter in their brain telling them negative thoughts. If you have a tape playing in your head saying you are a bad person, you never do anything right, or you are not deserving of all that is good in this life, I challenge you to question that tape. Who pushed play on that? And most importantly, why do you believe it, and WHY haven't you pushed stop on that tape player?? Truth, is your path to freedom.  Being able to say your truths out loud will give you strength. It will take away the false power we have bestowed upon hiding our vulnerabilities. Why do you think the first step in recovery for an addict is saying "my name is Melanie, and I am an addict"? You can't heal what you don't acknowledge. Own your truth. Find a truth partner. Someone trustworthy (that's VERY important), and tell your truths.  When you see your truth partner show mercy and compassion for you, you will start to see why you should do the same for yourself.  In seeing others love me through my sins, I learned to love myself. The freedom that comes from being real, truthful, free... will make you feel like you can fly!  I know this from my own personal experience. Once I learned to own my truth, no one could ever cage me. 

I like real.