Walking into a new year, there is always a feeling of finality of the end of an era, and also a sense of hope for new beginnings. I, like many of you, am taking stock of my year, of what 2014 held for my life and what it really means, in the grand scheme of things. 2014 held incredible highs and abominable lows for me, personally. I started out this year facing my best friends cancer and the devastation it was wreaking on her body. Then, in February, i was blessed to travel to Cabo, all expenses paid through Origami Owl with my other bestie and realized how much I can accomplish and that dreams do come true when you're focused. In July, I was promoted and walked the stage in front of my team at our National Convention. And then, the day after I came home, my world started to unravel. Our family went through some BIG stuff. Then in October, my love and I crossed off a big bucket list item for me. We went to see OPRAH! Yes, Oprah. I met Brené Brown, one of my favorite TED talk authors! We meditated with Deepak Chopra, saw Iyanla Vanzant and Elizabeth Gilbert, author of my favorite book, "Eat, Pray, Love", and Rob Bell. THAT was an incredible weekend! Then, not long after that, I got in a car accident. My two youngest were with me, and by the grace of God, we were all okay. Cars, not so much, but we were fine. And December, we celebrated my 35th birthday. It was the most perfect day.
This year, I realized how much strength and power I posess to walk through the fire, while also bringing goodness to myself and to others. I know that each highlight and each obstacle I have faced is a gift for me. Each challenge has revealed more and more of my soul and has brought me closer to God as I walk in my purpose. I know that I have been chosen to reveal Gods work through my own triumphs and struggles. {How could I understand and have compassion for others if I had not experienced those same heartaches?}
2014, While having some of my very best moments, I also experienced a heartache deeper than any other. It ripped at my core, and once again, dropped me to my knees, questioning God. "Why me? Why? What did I do to deserve such pain?" And as I walked through the hurt, my angers at those who caused the hurt faded. I pray and meditate daily, some days, more than others. Never avoiding or numbing the pain, just feeling my way through it. Honouring where I am, in each moment. My anguish has turned into the compassion I once wished someone felt for me. It turned into a feeling of, "I understand. I too, was once so broken." It turned into a deep prayer for those individuals. That they would heal so well after this, that they would stop this cycle and never harm another in this way again. It is a deep cycle of karma that ends with me. Instead of reacting in anger or revenge, it ends here. With me. In prayer. In love. In forgiveness.
This was my 34th year of life. I received all that was the fallout from others selfish actions and took it inside me to heal. I am healing. It's very important, as a Buddhist, that I don't react or lash out or allow those hurts to go past me and hurt others. I don't want my children to hurt or myself to carry anger that will resonate through me into others at later times in my life. This is where forgiveness is so powerful. I will not have to carry the burdens of others actions and live angrily or in sadness. I am absolved of all that is not my doing. Forgiveness is freedom. It is a weight lifted from my soul, that says I don't have to keep holding others sins in the form of resentment, anger, sadness, bitterness and so on. I forgive. Therefore, I am free. I truly believe that my ability to seek God and keep seeking God is what keeps good people and things in my life. It's why I can still love and be love even when I'm hurting. God sees it all and always has things under control. I can just relax and be me. Do good and be good, and good always comes.
2014 was my year to be brave. I was brave when we ziplined in Cabo, when we ventured out of our comfort zones and stayed extra days exploring the "real" Cabo. I was brave when I dyed my hair platinum and then took it further and made it pink, as well as blue/silver grayi. I was brave when I rode a horse bare-back this year. And here I stand, the bravest I've ever been. Standing in the wake of heartache, the kind that makes you want to destroy those who hurt you, or run far, far away (fight or flight)...here I am. Standing.. and making myself and the purity of my heart known. Praying and hoping to reveal the truth of God through my life. Knowing that God is the seer of all, and the only one I am concerned with pleasing. I am grateful in all things, even in adversity. I am closer to God than I have ever been, and forgiveness is the bravest thing I've ever done.
As I celebrate my 35th year of life and start 2015, I am setting my intentions for what I want to accomplish and focusing on living "The Life I Want". My 34th year was a revealing year for me. It revealed people's true character, including my own. It revealed my strength and showed me what I don't want, while pointing me in the direction of what I absolutely DO want. It has been a transformative year, filled with exuberant highs and devastating lows. It's a year that I will always remember and be grateful for. I am looking forward to making intentional decisions and rising to my fullest potential this year. I will be intentional and make decisions with clarity and purpose, only walking forward toward the life I want. I'm positive that 35 is going to be my best year so far!
Out of the ashes, I RISE.
