Unravelling.

Life is such a beautiful process of unravelling. I have often thought, when will I catch a break or become immune to hardship? And the reality is, you're never immune. No matter who you are, life is filled with suffering. Learning to navigate the suffering.. That is what we do as humans. Learning to fail with grace. Learning to keep picking ourselves back up. Learning to smile through tears. This is what we do. 

I often think to myself, I want to leave a legacy of joy for all I come in contact with, but especially for those I love. The truth is, We are often unkind and not on our best behavior with those special ones who are closest to us. We mistreat them, and take them for granted. We are mean, jealous, spiteful, ugly in spirit and words and sometimes, awful in deeds, yet, they continue to love us through our faults. This is grace. This is joy through pain. This is unconditional love. (P.s. This doesn't mean they stay with us forever. Sometimes, they love us from afar, when our behaviors are toxic.) 

Many of you know, I have a best friend named Swanny. She has been my friend since I was barely fifteen years old.  She has seen my worst behaviors and my best. She has always been there. She has never turned her back on me. Even when I deserved it. She is always giving what she has. She would never say no if you asked her for something. Never. Even if she didn't really like you. #truestory She has always been a hard worker. A loyal friend. She loves without conditions. Has helped me raise my children. She loves them like her own. She is my sister.  

My friend, my sister, is living with stage 4 cancer (I wanted to say battling, but it seems like such a harsh word.) This, is real life stuff. The stuff where you get to see what you're made of. Where you get to lean on God and faith and those around you. You get to be on display for all to see how you handle being under pressure.  I stay strong in front of her, but watching your friend suffer day in and day out, that's HARD. But how can i complain of the pain in my heart when I know the physical and emotional pain my friend endures daily? The chemo, the radiation, the surgeries, the infections and complications.. The answer, i don't. I keep smiling. I keep laughing. I keep holding her hand and telling her I will always be there. Because I will. Telling her I love her and appreciate her. And praying for more time with her. That miracles will manifest and she will heal. That my children will not have to keep watching their Auntie hurt. You ever thought something was hard to talk about, try explaining death to a child. Or why someone whom they love deeply has to suffer through cancer. Yeah. Now life just got real. Kids want to know why. And they don't accept "just because".  

The only way I know how to cope is to find the blessing. Find the part that is contributing to my life and be grateful for that. For instance, had it not been for cancer, we wouldn't have spent almost everyday together for the last year, going to appointments. It added so much together time to our world that we would never have had otherwise. And her suffering, it teaches me. It ingrains in me. It makes me appreciate LIFE. Breath. Health. Even The unravelling. It allows me the gift of showing my children we can suffer, yet still be filled with hope, love, and joy. We can still be happy deep down inside as we go through gut wrenching things. We can make the choice to find the grace. We can choose joy. 

I choose joy. No matter what. I choose joy. #effcancer. #yousuck. 

Someday, I'll live in a temple..

Anyone who knows me well, knows I dream of, one day, living in a temple as a Buddhist nun and spending my days in prayer and meditation and studying holy scriptures and chanting mantras.

Well, recently, in my meditation, it occurred to me that I cannot wait until the circumstances are perfect to start living the life of my dreams.   And I cannot go live in a temple at this very moment, so... my realization is this:

I already live in a temple. My body is my temple. It houses my soul. And just as I would be on my best, most pious behavior inside a temple, I must behave my best everyday.  Live holy and devout by being healthy inside my body. I must take care of it, from the inside out. Feed it well, practice cleanliness and good health hygiene, exercise, go to the doctor when something needs repaired, and be kind and gentle and nourish it, as well as nourishing my mind and spirit.  The same way you would ask your children to care for their body, heart and soul. {you are your child's greatest teacher.} It also occurred to me that my life, everyday, as a mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter or neighbor is my deepest meditation. Where better to be patient than with screaming, tired children when you, yourself,  haven't slept more than three hours at a time in years? Where better to practice love than with people who you want to deem unloveable? Where better to practice compassion than with a person who intentionally or unintentionally causes you harm? Where better to become peace than in the midst of chaos? My life and my actions, must become the holy scriptures I long to study. My words and conversations must become my mantras.  

All that I wish to focus on in that temple, that I imagine in my glorious future, I must focus on today. In this moment. 

No need to keep looking toward the future for the best days of my life to happen, everyday is the best day, if I can remember to be present, and be grateful for each experience and all it encompasses.  No need to put off becoming patient or more loving or more adventurous. No need to wait until my life is perfect to enjoy it fully. Today, this moment, that's all we really have. Tomorrow is never promised.   

As I am walking through my own personal journey of bravery and growth, I hope that I can encourage you also, even if just a tiny bit. I want my story to show you that adversity doesn't determine your destiny. Only you have the power to do that. You can change your life if it's not what you imagined your life to be. You can. You get a new opportunity every second to be better than you were. If you were mean to your children or your spouse or even to yourself, say sorry. If you made a decision you aren't proud of, or said something you wish you hadn't, Repent. And chose a better feeling action, word or thought. It's truly that simple. You can be better. You can be stronger. You can be bolder than you ever dreamed possible. It's all inside of you to make this life the life of your dreams. 

My meditation today prompted me to not let my heartaches and my own sins be in vain. Let them be told, so just maybe I can give someone else hope to tell their story. To be brave. To be bold. To be free. 

Blessings,

Melanie