I am okay

So, my friends who have called, text and messaged me asking what is wrong and am I okay...  I want to address you all and say, nothing is 'wrong' per se.  Cause we all know that I believe whole-heartedly that everything is always happening for our best interest, mine included.  and yes, I am okay.  and yes, I know my posts on facebook are "different".  thank you all, so much, for caring, loving me and reaching out, offering to help in any way.  it truly has touched me and shown me what great people i have attracted into my life. #lawofattraction

I have counseled many of you and (hopefully) helped some of you as you have walked through really hard things in your own lives over the years, and now, I get to be the student. Yes, 'get to'.  I get to walk through really hard things.  I get to experience heartbreak and anguish, sadness and also some pretty big anger, firsthand.  I am walking through things that have changed me and my life forever. hopefully, as I walk through this adversity, I do it so well, that there is minimal damage to those walking with me.  minimal fallout.  but, if I fail or succeed, either way, I will still be a teacher as I learn to walk through fire with grace, {this girl is on fiyah} because we are all the student and the teacher, always.  I hope to walk through this so well, so thoroughly, that when I come out on the other side I will be the shiniest damn diamond you ever saw {shine bright like a diamond}!

{sidenote, everything has become a song reference these days.  trust me, there's a song for every moment!}

God, Spirit, The Universe or whatever name you call the Divine, has great plans for my life, I have always known this.  And.. it turns out, the plans are not what I had actually planned.  {let it go, let it go} ;)  life is funny like that though.  always giving us exactly what we need, not what we humanly want.  I am embracing (and sometimes resisting) each moment of each day and at some point, I will probably tell details of these trials, cause that's just me.  I am a talker.  I like to use my own messy life as a teacher and example for others...showing you that there is always light at the end of the tunnel and it's much funner, yes funner, to dance in the rain than to wait for the storm to pass.  but for now, just know, I am okay.  I am still filled with love and light.  my heart has been cracked wide open in order for the light to escape at an even greater rate.  big changes, I am greeting you with all that I have left in me. (also, stuff like this sure does humble you.)

now, it's time for me to get back in my boat. {row, row, row your boat} aka meditate more.  prayer and meditation have been my savior and my daily sanctuary through this time.  I encourage you to embrace them both in your life as well, especially if you are facing challenges.  starting your day with gratitude helps also. (check out my instagram for the boat reference.)

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes.  this photo is of my peonies from my garden.  they are overflowing with beauty and splendor. but you don't know that until they bloom. see how tight they are in their buds?  just like all of us.  the beauty comes out once they break open.

(both pics I posted are from my instagram, so yeah, you should probably follow me there if you like them.)

Love,
Melanie

The gifts cancer has given me

Life. My road through life thus far has been bumpy and sometimes jagged. Not sure it's ever been smooth. I wonder if anyone's has been? If you looked at my life from the outside, you might shake your head in disbelief, you might relate totally, or you might think, that girl is so lucky! See, that's the thing about perspective. Everyone has a different point of view. The eagle flying above sees a vast picture with views for miles. Where, we, as humans only see what's right in front of us, whether looking forward or backwards. That's how I tend to think about God. God sees it all. The big picture. The wrongs, the rights, the joys, and the sorrows. God knows why each experience is perfect for the one receiving it. This knowing, has helped me walk through some of the largest trials I have faced in my life. It has led me out of the dark pits of what could only be described as hell. It has been my "saving grace".

Now, as I walk this journey with Swanny, my best friend, my sister, of almost 20 years, that perspective allows me to walk with joy in my heart. I have made it my goal to receive cancer's blessings in my life. I am fully focused on rising up and doing what is needed in each moment, rather than focusing on the fear and sadness that I feel. Seeing the blessing in all that is lain before me. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely days when I want to pull the covers over my head and hide, and somedays I try. (Hard to do with 5 kids that need you all the time.) but, like I tell my children feel sad when you're sad, feel angry when you're angry, but you are not allowed to live there! You keep walking. Even when we want to fall to our knees, we keep walking. I thought I would share some of the gifts that cancer has bestowed upon me...

Live and love in this very moment. 

Do not wait for things to be perfect to be happy. 

Enjoy every breath you take on this Earth. 

The body is an amazing, miraculous thing!

Laugh. A lot.

Live on purpose. 

Say yes more.

Don't get so mad that you lose focus of the good.

People are good.

Be present. So, so present.

Slow down. Speak slower, make decisions slower, live slower.

Hope is strong!! Faith is even greater. And trusting what IS?? That is the key. 

Miracles are happening in every single moment, but you must have eyes to see and ears to hear. I believe in miracles.  

Last week, we got some scary news, had to do some more tests, and then got the results.  They are not ideal.  The cancer has spread to Swanny's liver.  It is not what we had hoped for. It isn't the reality that any of us would like to be living with, but it is our reality. From the beginning of this whole thing, we have hoped to cure it and just be done with the whole cancer thing.  Life doesn't always work that way.  We get what we need for our souls to grow, not what we want on a human level. I am trusting that this experience is perfect for our family and that we are doing God's work here on Earth. This I know for sure.. We will walk together as a family. Hold hands tighter than we ever have, and we will cross the finish line together. No matter the outcome, love always wins. But only always. 

I like Real.

I like real. Like the raindrops that dried on my window. Some may say they take away from the beauty of the sunset in the distance, but I beg to differ. The messiness of those spots is perfection for me. Makes me love this moment even more. I think of my life and all the blemishes or spots, and I can't help but think of their perfection. I think of the people I love and their blemishes and how those specks of dirt make me love them even more. I will take a flawed, humble, truthful person and their story any day over someone who portrays themself as perfect. I value my loved ones and their ability to share themselves with me. All of themselves. Even, no, especially, the flawed, dirty parts. Real, honest truth sets my soul on fire. I cry sometimes at people's ability to be real, to be honest, to be vulnerable. I am real too. I love who I am. All of who I am. Even the parts that make me cringe when I think of them. The parts of me that are often hard to say out loud. I love all of me. I know so many who don't though. So many who feel inadequate, unworthy. Like the spots on the window. As if there is a constant chitter chatter in their brain telling them negative thoughts. If you have a tape playing in your head saying you are a bad person, you never do anything right, or you are not deserving of all that is good in this life, I challenge you to question that tape. Who pushed play on that? And most importantly, why do you believe it, and WHY haven't you pushed stop on that tape player?? Truth, is your path to freedom.  Being able to say your truths out loud will give you strength. It will take away the false power we have bestowed upon hiding our vulnerabilities. Why do you think the first step in recovery for an addict is saying "my name is Melanie, and I am an addict"? You can't heal what you don't acknowledge. Own your truth. Find a truth partner. Someone trustworthy (that's VERY important), and tell your truths.  When you see your truth partner show mercy and compassion for you, you will start to see why you should do the same for yourself.  In seeing others love me through my sins, I learned to love myself. The freedom that comes from being real, truthful, free... will make you feel like you can fly!  I know this from my own personal experience. Once I learned to own my truth, no one could ever cage me. 

I like real.

Guacamole!!!

 

So, I like to make guacamole. A lot.  So I thought I would share my recipe, since my lovely friends have asked for it.  I really should try to write in this blog more often... but who has the time? lol.

Let's start with ingredients.  And let's just be honest, if you are like me, you don't really follow recipes, but instead use them as guidelines, so feel free to add or subtract as you go along. 

And, truth be told, you must drink sparkling water with lime to truly enjoy this!

4 medium avocados 
2-3 roma tomatoes (or other variety, depends on what you prefer or what's in your fridge.)  
1 small onion (can be white or red, I prefer red, but I was out)  
garlic (either a few cloves or you can use the jar kind, see photo below.)  
handful of cilantro loosely chopped 
1-2 medium to large jalapenos  
1 full size lime or around 4 key limes
Salt 
Food Processor is helpful but not required 

Inexpensive and convenient! Perfect!

 I like to get everything cut up before I start using the food processor, you can also do this all by hand if you don't have a food processor.  So, I usually start with the garlic in the food processor.  I use the butt of my hand and the knife to smash the clove flat and then put them in on pulse and food process it a couple times.  I then add onion that has been cut into chunks  and pulsate it, then add the tomatoes that have been cut into chunks.  I prefer to have pretty chunky guac, if you like yours more smooth, process a little longer.  I then add the avocados that have been cut into medium sized cubes, the lime juice, the cilantro and salt.  I then pulsate this all together and taste it as I go to see if I need more lime or more salt.  Once it is to your liking, you are done!

 Now, about my homemade tortilla chips, simple!  Take tortillas, (I use the whole wheat kind from a local bakery), put a little olive oil on them, salt and pepper to taste, slice them with a rolling pizza cutter, then pop them in a 350 degree oven until they crisp up and turn golden brown.  Voila!  Homemade tortilla chips!

This is one of my favorite simple foods that is healthy and so yummy!! Enjoy!

Last Day of Play

This was the last day that the kids and I would get to hang out before they went back to school.  We decided to go to Exploration place and do a little exploring!  As a mom of 5, I sometimes have to be more "business" than I like.  And I don't mean "business, job, type", I mean the "'I mean business!' mom".  I sometimes joke that I have to keep on my toes, cause once they realize they out number me, it's all over with! lol.  Similar to a prison guard and the inmates.  And yes, I did just compare my kids to inmates. HA!  So, today, I put on my boots and went to play!  I told Juli to put on her play clothes too, cause this was not gonna be a sit-on-the-side-lines type of day!  She is a teenager, you know? She was down.  We went.  And we had an amazing time! Played, laughed and forgot all the rules.  I took some photos with my phone to share.  So, here is what we did...

 

 We rode horses.  We were very peaceful, as you can see.  Then, mommy got a time out.  This was quite fun for the kids!   

 Haanah, who is the wildest wild child, went fishing and then played in the water.

Love her funny faces!!  She is so animated in everything she does.  

 

This was so fun!  We played on the seesaw.  Haanah and I on one side, Juli, Bella and Jack on the other.  This moment right here, summed it up for me.  The laughter and joy that was happening was contagious.  even an older gentleman who walked past stopped to watch and shared in the laughter.  Life isn't always filled with laughter, but I have resolved to be sure that this year is filled with more laughter than ever!  Oh, and I already laugh.  A lot....

Look at this child.  He is getting an idea... Putting it into motion and then... someone else joins in his big idea.. and makes it even bigger than he could do on his own...  Then, look at the sheer amazement in his face! Isn't this the beauty of life?  Once you open up and share with others, the joy and excitement spreads, and voila!  A miracle! 

 We also went sailing and flew planes!  The imagination was soaring!  There were no electronics on this day of fun!  We were unplugged..well, except for my phone, which I was taking photos with...

   

We explored the bugs and reptiles and even got a little windblown.  All in all, a great Kansas experience, all in the comfort of indoors.
Evan was so excited to see the creepy tarantulas and Bella was just in heaven that her brother was taking the time to show her, and not be annoyed by her.

I love the photo of Haanah and the Turtle.  She said that the turtle was scared of her cause it was putting its head in its shell.  She told the turtle "I am a nice girl, turtle, you don't need to hide."  It was so sweet.

 

In the wind machine, Bella was enjoying her hair going wild.  Haanah on the other hand, decided she didn't enjoy that so much.  So she got out.  :)  I love allowing them to experience things and then making a decision for themselves whether they enjoy it or not.  All in all, I have become a more relaxed parent and still learn everyday that I don't need to be in control.  They are doing just fine navigating this world.  All they need is a little redirection occasionally. 

I hope everyone is as excited to be starting another new year as I am.  I have never been one that does a big celebration for the new year, but I must say, that this year, at midnight, my husband and I kissed, hugged and vowed that this is our very best year together.  And so it is.

Homemade Ice Cream... I mean, it is summer and all...

For those that know me, you know this family LOVES ice cream!  It seems it is hard to find good ice cream though, without spending an arm and a leg.  And while making ice cream is not terribly cheap, it is still less expensive than the fancy, hence better tasting, brands.  And you will know exactly what is in it, cause you put it there!!  I am a firm believer that ice cream should not have ingredients that you cannot pronounce!  AND, you can make your own flavors and get your kids in on the action.

Now, if you do not have an ice cream maker, you should!  They are amazing and your kids will think you are the best mum in the whole world!  Seriously!  I have a cuisinart, but in the past, my kids had a ball that made ice cream.  No joke.  We would put all the ingredients in it, after having frozen the ball, put in ice and salt around the enclosed ice cream capsule and then we would put it on the trampoline and they would bounce it around.  After about 30 minutes of this craziness, voila!  Ice cream! Anyway, the husband, who also loves ice cream, bought me an ice cream maker this year.  I am in love with this contraption, so I thought I'd share my favorite recipe today.

I love coffee and chocolate, so I have come up with a coffee chocolate chip recipe.  Here goes... (and if you don't have an ice cream maker, you can still make the mix and put it in a glass bowl in your freezer and just go stir it every 20 minutes or so until it is the consistency you desire.  I know this is long and tedious, hence the reason you should "invest" in an ice cream maker.  And yes, it is an investment.  They do go on sale a lot though, I got mine for $49.  But trust me, it is totally worth it!!)  Now, back to the recipe!

2 cups heavy whipping cream
3/4 cup milk
1/2 to 3/4 C. sugar
1/4 cup Espresso or very dark coffee (you can use more or less according to your taste)
1 1/2 - 2 tsp. pure vanilla extract (I tend to use more.  I like vanilla.)
pinch or two of salt (this helps all the flavors to come out)
1 or 2 handfuls of chocolate chips (or not)



Okay, so I am not a recipe or pattern follower.  I tend to always change them to my liking, so feel free to do the same with the "flavor ingredients".

First, pour the cream, milk, sugar and coffee in a bowl and use electric mixer to blend them until sugar dissolves. 

The heat from the fresh brewed coffee helps it dissolve easier, but don't worry if there is still a little grainy mix on the bottom.

I then put in my vanilla and stir it by hand.  At this point, I would take my ice cream bowl from the freezer, (oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, put the bowl in the freezer the night before so that it will be nice and frozen.)

Put it in the ice cream maker and pour all the ingredients in, saving the chocolate chips for later.  I then turn on my machine and let it start blending.

This is when you start to know it is almost done...the kids are attacking it!

 After about 15 minutes, it will be starting to freeze, at this point, I add my chocolate chips. I then let it run for about 10-15 minutes more, or until it is the consistency I like.  I do not like mine to run long over this, as air gets in the ice cream and it becomes less dense.  I like mine thick.  ;)

See how dense!

Voila!  Fabulosity!

Now, you can enjoy your hard work, well, not really hard.. but enjoy it anyway!

Hello Blog World!

So, I've been reading blogs and doing others tutorials for quite some time, and now, I have decided to jump in and start my own!  I hope to do some tutorials from time to time and share a little of my talents with others who share the same interests.  And hopefully interest some, who don't think they are crafty, (Brooke) to jump in!  And just try it!  I look forward to starting this journey and hope everyone else likes it too!

Love,
Melanie