Remodeling

Through this bathroom remodel, I am reminded of the metaphors of life. You see broken parts on the surface, so you try to repair them cosmetically. But, as you look under the layers of "band-aids" that have been used over the years, you see the real issue. The ugly, overwhelming, disgusting, scary issue. The real damage is way deeper than what you see on the surface, because by the time you're seeing it, it has already wreaked havoc and decayed in the core. Underneath those layers is rotting foundations. Now, you can patch it and add more layers of "pretty", or you can do the hard work, the demo, and you can get to the root of the problem and get that decay out of there, once and for all. Once the rot is gone, you have a clean slate. You can build back ANYTHING in it's place. You can build a modest abode or the freakin' Taj Mahal, knowing the foundation is strong! Your options are limitless! Or, you could just leave that rot, acting like it's not hurting anything. If you decide to put on a band aid, but rest assured that this "issue" WILL rear it's head again! May not be right away, but at some point, it will, and most likely will be ten times worse then if you had just handled it in it's entirety the first time you noticed it. Or, you could skip all of that and just bail. Sell the house, runaway, start over fresh somewhere else. With new issues, where the same repairs will eventually be needed, the paint colors just may be different. Or starting anew is always an option, sometimes the only option you feel like you have. You justify it, saying it'll cost more to repair then to just start over fresh... but I'm often nostalgic and I see potential where others see nothing.

I happen to be a fan of demo and rebuild. I'm not really into band aids. I love to get to the bottom of things and people!  I believe there is always something worth saving, no matter the depth of damage. Always. There is history there. Stories to be told. And happy endings to take place. Heartaches to overcome.  And then there is the mirrors.. Do you know how hard it is to find the perfect mirror?! Metaphorically speaking and literally.

(When we look for our mates, we always look for the perfect mirror, to help us see what we can't inside ourselves.) And I've been on the hunt for a perfect mirror for this bathroom. I never found it. So, guess what? I bought one with "great bones" and I'm gonna do some work.. I'm gonna paint that baby the beautiful gold i imagined, and see the beauty of a little work come to life. 

That's the truth of life, construction and our souls. We are all a work in progress. Always needing tending to and maintaining. 

Build, sand, refinish. 

It's the work that refines our spirit. 

In real life, You have to keep on loving and working, even when it's hard. Keep demoing, and remodelling when you find one with "good bones". Keep seeking the good in all things and all people. Put some gloves on. And don't be afraid of a little hard work. 

Valentine's Day

Sometimes your life changes in an ordinary place that would have no real meaning in your life, until it does.

 This is the parking lot that changed our life 8 years ago. Every year, I think, this is the year that I will be stronger, that it won't affect me in such an emotional manner. And every year, I take my kids to school with valentines in their backpacks and I leave them safely in their classrooms and walk out to this parking lot and it hits me. Every. Time. Like someone smacks me in the face. It takes my breath away. And I stop. And tears come. And I want to drop to my knees. Every. Time. And it is then that I start thanking God for miracles!!

This parking lot is where where my heart was almost ripped from my chest. This is where I was given a second chance to love even harder, fuller, more intentional. To be more present and filled with gratitude for the gifts I'd been given in my children. Where I was reminded that these extraordinary beings are on loan to me and can be returned to heaven at any moment. It is where I faced every moms deepest fear.

It's where I almost lost my son.

Every moment of that day plays over in my mind. In slow motion. I can see it, like I'm watching a movie. I see Evan crying that morning. Begging me to please take them to school instead if his auntie. {I was recovering from pneumonia. I just wanted to rest that morning so I would be ready for their valentines day parties that afternoon. His aunt and I took turns taking the kids to school. (My niece and my two oldest children.) It was so unlike him. He never cried. And he never begged me to take him to school. It was as if he had a sixth sense that this day was going to change our world completely.} 

I see my son, lying on the ground, under a car. I see my daughter, Juli, witnessing her brother being run over. Running towards him. Screaming. I see people running to help my son. Strangers to me. I see my sister in law sobbing. I see confusion. I see police. I see an ambulance. I see the teachers and school staff dreading the call to me, to tell me my son was "hit by a car" and he's being taken to a hospital, and I should hurry, and meet them there. I see all of it and I wasn't even there. 

I see myself answering that call. 

I tell Bella, "get dressed, we have to go to the hospital, Evan was hit by a car." I hear her 3 year old voice ask, "is Evan gonna die mommy?" I wince. "Don't say that Bella." I can feel the tension in my body. 

 I see the Ambulance pull into the hospital parking lot where I have arrived with tiny Bella on my hip. I have no idea how I got there. I mean, I know I drove, but I don't recall the drive. It's like I just arrived there. I was home, and then I got a phone call, a devastating phone call, and then I was watching my son be rolled out of an ambulance on a gurney. I hear him crying "mommy, I just wanna go home. Mommy, please just take me home." I see him in the ER. I see all the doctors and nurses in organised chaos. I no longer have Bella. Someone has relieved me of her presence. Maybe it was my mom, or my sister in law and brother in law. I'm not sure. There's people in the waiting room waiting to know if he is okay. Parents of children that go to our school. Witnesses. Helpers. Angels. People who cared about a child they didn't know. 

Evan is crying, yelling. His stomach hurts. I can't see any blood. I'm not sure what happened. People start filling doctors in with the reports that eye witnesses gave. They cut his clothes off his 5 year old body. Machines are being attached to him. His blood pressure drops. Machines are Beeping. Lots of intense orders being given by a doctor. A man. I had never met him, but I trusted him. His presence was strong and reassuring. I was glad that he was there. Helping my son. They inject something. His blood pressure stabilizes. I just stand there watching, his father next to me. They say, "mom, come stand at his head. But don't move anywhere, so we can work." I stand there. My face next to his ear. Singing "you are my sunshine." I have no idea what to do except comfort my boy. I sing it over and over. And over. 

They say he has internal bleeding. He needs to go to CT scan. They give him morphine for his pain. His father tries to reassure me that he will be okay. I can't listen to him, I feel angry, like, can't you see my son is NOT okay?! The doctor says "sir, your son is badly injured." Then I see his fathers eyes change. He's afraid. 

They tell me I will need to keep Evan still so they can get a clear Scan of where the bleeding is coming from. They ask if I'm pregnant or not so I can get in the machine with him. I say, "does it matter?" No mom in her right mind would refuse getting in that machine with her child. They strap an apron on me anyway. Evan and I go in that machine. I sing to him. "You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." We then count up to 20 and then backwards back to one. We repeat this until they tell me they got what they need.  When we go back in the ER room, some man, who I later learn is a chaplain, is standing to the side. I'm not sure why he is there. He is watching me.

The doctor tells us his injuries. His liver has lacerations and he is bleeding into his abdomen. His right lung is collapsed. The doctor says the next 6 hours are critical. If the bleeding doesn't stop, they will do surgery to attempt to stop the bleeding. The doctor is asking some questions. I think it's about blood type and donors. I can't understand him. I'm not in my right mind. Maybe Evans dad answers him. I'm not sure. 

I start to walk out of the room. I feel weird. I need my mom. You never stop needing your mom. The man asks where I'm going. I say to see my mom and check on my daughter. He follows me. 

I want people to pray. Pray with everything in them. I'm praying. Dear God help my son. Buddha, walk with me as I face this. I am in constant prayer and meditation from this moment forward. Constant. 

 I don't remember crying. 

 I go to the waiting room. The man comes with me. Tells me he will be helping me with anything I need. I'm numb. I tell our family of his injuries. My sister in law is inconsolable. My brother in law isn't speaking. He's so upset. He looks at the floor. Bella is with my mom. Our school principal is calling me on my phone.  She is new to our school that year. I've only ever said hello to her in passing in our school hallways.  She says she has Juli with her and has brought a therapy dog to school for her to help her calm down and she will be with the counselor and then she, herself, will bring her to the hospital to be with our family. I am so grateful for our principal. Love. Everyone is just stepping forward and filling in gaps to handle what needs handled. 

I go back to Evan. The man is still with me. Evan is stablized and we are being taken to pediatric intensive care. Six hours feels like days when your child's well-being hangs in the balance. Evan begs for water. The morphine is effecting his tiny body. He is not allowed anything. Nothing. In case he needs to be rushed to surgery. My child is crying for water. I cannot do anything. I beg the nurses, "please. My son is crying. He is so thirsty." They give me a little swab on a stick and allow me to get it wet and then squeeze out all of the liquid and just run the dampness on his lips. They watch me, like I'm in prison, to be sure I don't give him more than that. If they hadn't watched me, I would have given him more. They knew that.  It's horrible. I now have gained compassion for any mother who is ever unable to provide the basic necessity of water to her child. Wow. It was brutal to Grasp that. 

He is so unhappy. He cannot move. He must remain lying flat, in hopes of stopping the bleeding. He cries for water, repeatedly. Begs me to just please take him home.  I sing. I rub his hair. I press my forehead against his. So many people come to be by our side. My sister in law. Her heart is heavy with sorrow and blame. I forgave her the moment I saw her face in the waiting room. We love each other's children as if they were our own. No differentiation. It was an accident. An awful accident. 

People are praying. Prayer chains have spread across the globe for him. (This is pre-social media for our family, so it was all done via telephone or in person.)

I am humbled by prayer. Priests, monks, pastors, lay people, friends, family, hospital staff. People prayed upon his body. Over the phone with me. Via text, email, you name it. 

The bleeding stopped. 

He never needed surgery. 

The doctors warned me, "mom, he will be severely bruised by tomorrow. Please don't be alarmed. His body has been run over by a car, across his abdomen, twice. It's going to show the physical signs of this and it will be hard for you to see."

He NEVER bruised

They kept sending more and more doctors to see him. All baffled at how his body showed no outward signs of injury. He continued to be miraculous and heal. We were transferred to a different hospital. I rode in the back of the ambulance with him.  I'll never forget seeing the "Steffens" dairy cow out of the back of the ambulance window and pointing it out to Evan, in hopes of distracting him from the bumps. Each vibration caused him pain in his abdomen. The new hospital was amazing. The staff, truly incredible. When Evan was able to move, I would carry him everyday to the "bath" room and allow him to be in a warm bath and ease some of his pain. He would get a dose of pain meds right before, to ease the pain of movement. Then I would carry him back to his bed when we finished, where he would need to remain lying down. People continued to visit us daily. Praying for us. Supporting us. Bringing him toys. Me food. Us laughter. We were supported. I would go home each day to shower and have a few minutes to myself and then I would return. I slept in his hospital bed with him every night. He would rub my arm over and over, to the point that my skin hurt from his repeated caressing. I didn't care. 

A mothers love. 

They were unsure of what long term effects we would be dealing with, as his pancreas and gall bladder were also effected.  He is perfect. His lung healed. His liver healed. His enzyme levels returned to normal. He is a miracle.  

We left the hospital in 7 days. 

He was on bed rest for 6 weeks afterward to allow his liver and lung to heal fully. FYI- a 5 year old boy on bed rest is an oxymoron. 

He has no outstanding effects. He healed perfect, in every way. Don't ever doubt the power of prayer. Ever. 

I'll never forget the friends who stood by us through this. Who were my support. To this day, they are still my closest friends. They are my family. 

My mom. 

Jawad. 

Brooke. 

The Taylor Family. 

All of my ex husbands family. 

You never forget those who hold you up in your moments where God is showing you who you are. 

Valentines day we celebrate love and Evans "life day". I'm grateful every day, but especially today.  

If you've ever been given a second chance, you don't waste it.

Ever. 

You are intentional, and grateful, and purposeful with the gift you've been given, not once but twice. There is never enough time in this life to take those you love for granted. Never.

As I often say, Tomorrow is never promised to anyone.

Live life now. I love you Evan. All the way to the moon and back. And I'm so, so grateful you're still here with me. 

Happy Valentines Day. 

Rise

Walking into a new year, there is always a feeling of finality of the end of an era, and also a sense of hope for new beginnings. I, like many of you, am taking stock of my year, of what 2014 held for my life and what it really means, in the grand scheme of things. 2014 held incredible highs and abominable lows for me, personally. I started out this year facing my best friends cancer and the devastation it was wreaking on her body. Then, in February, i was blessed to travel to Cabo, all expenses paid through Origami Owl with my other bestie and realized how much I can accomplish and that dreams do come true when you're focused. In July, I was promoted and walked the stage in front of my team at our National Convention. And then, the day after I came home, my world started to unravel. Our family went through some BIG stuff. Then in October, my love and I crossed off a big bucket list item for me. We went to see OPRAH! Yes, Oprah. I met Brené Brown, one of my favorite TED talk authors! We meditated with Deepak Chopra, saw Iyanla Vanzant and Elizabeth Gilbert, author of my favorite book, "Eat, Pray, Love", and Rob Bell. THAT was an incredible weekend! Then, not long after that, I got in a car accident. My two youngest were with me, and by the grace of God, we were all okay. Cars, not so much, but we were fine. And December, we celebrated my 35th birthday. It was the most perfect day. 

This year, I realized how much strength and power I posess to walk through the fire, while also bringing goodness to myself and to others. I know that each highlight and each obstacle I have faced is a gift for me. Each challenge has revealed more and more of my soul and has brought me closer to God as I walk in my purpose. I know that I have been chosen to reveal Gods work through my own triumphs and struggles. {How could I understand and have compassion for others if I had not experienced those same heartaches?}

2014, While having some of my very best moments, I also experienced a heartache deeper than any other. It ripped at my core, and once again, dropped me to my knees, questioning God. "Why me? Why? What did I do to deserve such pain?" And as I walked through the hurt, my angers at those who caused the hurt faded. I pray and meditate daily, some days, more than others. Never avoiding or numbing the pain, just feeling my way through it. Honouring where I am, in each moment. My anguish has turned into the compassion I once wished someone felt for me. It turned into a feeling of, "I understand. I too, was once so broken." It turned into a deep prayer for those individuals. That they would heal so well after this, that they would stop this cycle and never harm another in this way again. It is a deep cycle of karma that ends with me. Instead of reacting in anger or revenge, it ends here. With me. In prayer. In love. In forgiveness. 

This was my 34th year of life. I received all that was the fallout from others selfish actions and took it inside me to heal. I am healing. It's very important, as a Buddhist, that I don't react or lash out or allow those hurts to go past me and hurt others. I don't want my children to hurt or myself to carry anger that will resonate through me into others at later times in my life. This is where forgiveness is so powerful. I will not have to carry the burdens of others actions and live angrily or in sadness. I am absolved of all that is not my doing. Forgiveness is freedom. It is a weight lifted from my soul, that says I don't have to keep holding others sins in the form of resentment, anger, sadness, bitterness and so on. I forgive. Therefore, I am free. I truly believe that my ability to seek God and keep seeking God is what keeps good people and things in my life. It's why I can still love and be love even when I'm hurting. God sees it all and always has things under control. I can just relax and be me. Do good and be good, and good always comes. 

2014 was my year to be brave. I was brave when we ziplined in Cabo, when we ventured out of our comfort zones and stayed extra days exploring the "real" Cabo. I was brave when I dyed my hair platinum and then took it further and made it pink, as well as blue/silver grayi. I was brave when I rode a horse bare-back this year. And here I stand, the bravest I've ever been. Standing in the wake of heartache, the kind that makes you want to destroy those who hurt you, or run far, far away (fight or flight)...here I am. Standing.. and making myself and the purity of my heart known. Praying and hoping to reveal the truth of God through my life. Knowing that God is the seer of all, and the only one I am concerned with pleasing. I am grateful in all things, even in adversity. I am closer to God than I have ever been, and forgiveness is the bravest thing I've ever done.

As I celebrate my 35th year of life and start 2015, I am setting my intentions for what I want to accomplish and focusing on living "The Life I Want". My 34th year was a revealing year for me. It revealed people's true character, including my own. It revealed my strength and showed me what I don't want, while pointing me in the direction of what I absolutely DO want. It has been a transformative year, filled with exuberant highs and devastating lows. It's a year that I will always remember and be grateful for. I am looking forward to making intentional decisions and rising to my fullest potential this year. I will be intentional and make decisions with clarity and purpose, only walking forward toward the life I want. I'm positive that 35 is going to be my best year so far! 

Out of the ashes, I RISE. 

Unravelling.

Life is such a beautiful process of unravelling. I have often thought, when will I catch a break or become immune to hardship? And the reality is, you're never immune. No matter who you are, life is filled with suffering. Learning to navigate the suffering.. That is what we do as humans. Learning to fail with grace. Learning to keep picking ourselves back up. Learning to smile through tears. This is what we do. 

I often think to myself, I want to leave a legacy of joy for all I come in contact with, but especially for those I love. The truth is, We are often unkind and not on our best behavior with those special ones who are closest to us. We mistreat them, and take them for granted. We are mean, jealous, spiteful, ugly in spirit and words and sometimes, awful in deeds, yet, they continue to love us through our faults. This is grace. This is joy through pain. This is unconditional love. (P.s. This doesn't mean they stay with us forever. Sometimes, they love us from afar, when our behaviors are toxic.) 

Many of you know, I have a best friend named Swanny. She has been my friend since I was barely fifteen years old.  She has seen my worst behaviors and my best. She has always been there. She has never turned her back on me. Even when I deserved it. She is always giving what she has. She would never say no if you asked her for something. Never. Even if she didn't really like you. #truestory She has always been a hard worker. A loyal friend. She loves without conditions. Has helped me raise my children. She loves them like her own. She is my sister.  

My friend, my sister, is living with stage 4 cancer (I wanted to say battling, but it seems like such a harsh word.) This, is real life stuff. The stuff where you get to see what you're made of. Where you get to lean on God and faith and those around you. You get to be on display for all to see how you handle being under pressure.  I stay strong in front of her, but watching your friend suffer day in and day out, that's HARD. But how can i complain of the pain in my heart when I know the physical and emotional pain my friend endures daily? The chemo, the radiation, the surgeries, the infections and complications.. The answer, i don't. I keep smiling. I keep laughing. I keep holding her hand and telling her I will always be there. Because I will. Telling her I love her and appreciate her. And praying for more time with her. That miracles will manifest and she will heal. That my children will not have to keep watching their Auntie hurt. You ever thought something was hard to talk about, try explaining death to a child. Or why someone whom they love deeply has to suffer through cancer. Yeah. Now life just got real. Kids want to know why. And they don't accept "just because".  

The only way I know how to cope is to find the blessing. Find the part that is contributing to my life and be grateful for that. For instance, had it not been for cancer, we wouldn't have spent almost everyday together for the last year, going to appointments. It added so much together time to our world that we would never have had otherwise. And her suffering, it teaches me. It ingrains in me. It makes me appreciate LIFE. Breath. Health. Even The unravelling. It allows me the gift of showing my children we can suffer, yet still be filled with hope, love, and joy. We can still be happy deep down inside as we go through gut wrenching things. We can make the choice to find the grace. We can choose joy. 

I choose joy. No matter what. I choose joy. #effcancer. #yousuck. 

Someday, I'll live in a temple..

Anyone who knows me well, knows I dream of, one day, living in a temple as a Buddhist nun and spending my days in prayer and meditation and studying holy scriptures and chanting mantras.

Well, recently, in my meditation, it occurred to me that I cannot wait until the circumstances are perfect to start living the life of my dreams.   And I cannot go live in a temple at this very moment, so... my realization is this:

I already live in a temple. My body is my temple. It houses my soul. And just as I would be on my best, most pious behavior inside a temple, I must behave my best everyday.  Live holy and devout by being healthy inside my body. I must take care of it, from the inside out. Feed it well, practice cleanliness and good health hygiene, exercise, go to the doctor when something needs repaired, and be kind and gentle and nourish it, as well as nourishing my mind and spirit.  The same way you would ask your children to care for their body, heart and soul. {you are your child's greatest teacher.} It also occurred to me that my life, everyday, as a mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter or neighbor is my deepest meditation. Where better to be patient than with screaming, tired children when you, yourself,  haven't slept more than three hours at a time in years? Where better to practice love than with people who you want to deem unloveable? Where better to practice compassion than with a person who intentionally or unintentionally causes you harm? Where better to become peace than in the midst of chaos? My life and my actions, must become the holy scriptures I long to study. My words and conversations must become my mantras.  

All that I wish to focus on in that temple, that I imagine in my glorious future, I must focus on today. In this moment. 

No need to keep looking toward the future for the best days of my life to happen, everyday is the best day, if I can remember to be present, and be grateful for each experience and all it encompasses.  No need to put off becoming patient or more loving or more adventurous. No need to wait until my life is perfect to enjoy it fully. Today, this moment, that's all we really have. Tomorrow is never promised.   

As I am walking through my own personal journey of bravery and growth, I hope that I can encourage you also, even if just a tiny bit. I want my story to show you that adversity doesn't determine your destiny. Only you have the power to do that. You can change your life if it's not what you imagined your life to be. You can. You get a new opportunity every second to be better than you were. If you were mean to your children or your spouse or even to yourself, say sorry. If you made a decision you aren't proud of, or said something you wish you hadn't, Repent. And chose a better feeling action, word or thought. It's truly that simple. You can be better. You can be stronger. You can be bolder than you ever dreamed possible. It's all inside of you to make this life the life of your dreams. 

My meditation today prompted me to not let my heartaches and my own sins be in vain. Let them be told, so just maybe I can give someone else hope to tell their story. To be brave. To be bold. To be free. 

Blessings,

Melanie

I am okay

So, my friends who have called, text and messaged me asking what is wrong and am I okay...  I want to address you all and say, nothing is 'wrong' per se.  Cause we all know that I believe whole-heartedly that everything is always happening for our best interest, mine included.  and yes, I am okay.  and yes, I know my posts on facebook are "different".  thank you all, so much, for caring, loving me and reaching out, offering to help in any way.  it truly has touched me and shown me what great people i have attracted into my life. #lawofattraction

I have counseled many of you and (hopefully) helped some of you as you have walked through really hard things in your own lives over the years, and now, I get to be the student. Yes, 'get to'.  I get to walk through really hard things.  I get to experience heartbreak and anguish, sadness and also some pretty big anger, firsthand.  I am walking through things that have changed me and my life forever. hopefully, as I walk through this adversity, I do it so well, that there is minimal damage to those walking with me.  minimal fallout.  but, if I fail or succeed, either way, I will still be a teacher as I learn to walk through fire with grace, {this girl is on fiyah} because we are all the student and the teacher, always.  I hope to walk through this so well, so thoroughly, that when I come out on the other side I will be the shiniest damn diamond you ever saw {shine bright like a diamond}!

{sidenote, everything has become a song reference these days.  trust me, there's a song for every moment!}

God, Spirit, The Universe or whatever name you call the Divine, has great plans for my life, I have always known this.  And.. it turns out, the plans are not what I had actually planned.  {let it go, let it go} ;)  life is funny like that though.  always giving us exactly what we need, not what we humanly want.  I am embracing (and sometimes resisting) each moment of each day and at some point, I will probably tell details of these trials, cause that's just me.  I am a talker.  I like to use my own messy life as a teacher and example for others...showing you that there is always light at the end of the tunnel and it's much funner, yes funner, to dance in the rain than to wait for the storm to pass.  but for now, just know, I am okay.  I am still filled with love and light.  my heart has been cracked wide open in order for the light to escape at an even greater rate.  big changes, I am greeting you with all that I have left in me. (also, stuff like this sure does humble you.)

now, it's time for me to get back in my boat. {row, row, row your boat} aka meditate more.  prayer and meditation have been my savior and my daily sanctuary through this time.  I encourage you to embrace them both in your life as well, especially if you are facing challenges.  starting your day with gratitude helps also. (check out my instagram for the boat reference.)

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes.  this photo is of my peonies from my garden.  they are overflowing with beauty and splendor. but you don't know that until they bloom. see how tight they are in their buds?  just like all of us.  the beauty comes out once they break open.

(both pics I posted are from my instagram, so yeah, you should probably follow me there if you like them.)

Love,
Melanie

The gifts cancer has given me

Life. My road through life thus far has been bumpy and sometimes jagged. Not sure it's ever been smooth. I wonder if anyone's has been? If you looked at my life from the outside, you might shake your head in disbelief, you might relate totally, or you might think, that girl is so lucky! See, that's the thing about perspective. Everyone has a different point of view. The eagle flying above sees a vast picture with views for miles. Where, we, as humans only see what's right in front of us, whether looking forward or backwards. That's how I tend to think about God. God sees it all. The big picture. The wrongs, the rights, the joys, and the sorrows. God knows why each experience is perfect for the one receiving it. This knowing, has helped me walk through some of the largest trials I have faced in my life. It has led me out of the dark pits of what could only be described as hell. It has been my "saving grace".

Now, as I walk this journey with Swanny, my best friend, my sister, of almost 20 years, that perspective allows me to walk with joy in my heart. I have made it my goal to receive cancer's blessings in my life. I am fully focused on rising up and doing what is needed in each moment, rather than focusing on the fear and sadness that I feel. Seeing the blessing in all that is lain before me. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely days when I want to pull the covers over my head and hide, and somedays I try. (Hard to do with 5 kids that need you all the time.) but, like I tell my children feel sad when you're sad, feel angry when you're angry, but you are not allowed to live there! You keep walking. Even when we want to fall to our knees, we keep walking. I thought I would share some of the gifts that cancer has bestowed upon me...

Live and love in this very moment. 

Do not wait for things to be perfect to be happy. 

Enjoy every breath you take on this Earth. 

The body is an amazing, miraculous thing!

Laugh. A lot.

Live on purpose. 

Say yes more.

Don't get so mad that you lose focus of the good.

People are good.

Be present. So, so present.

Slow down. Speak slower, make decisions slower, live slower.

Hope is strong!! Faith is even greater. And trusting what IS?? That is the key. 

Miracles are happening in every single moment, but you must have eyes to see and ears to hear. I believe in miracles.  

Last week, we got some scary news, had to do some more tests, and then got the results.  They are not ideal.  The cancer has spread to Swanny's liver.  It is not what we had hoped for. It isn't the reality that any of us would like to be living with, but it is our reality. From the beginning of this whole thing, we have hoped to cure it and just be done with the whole cancer thing.  Life doesn't always work that way.  We get what we need for our souls to grow, not what we want on a human level. I am trusting that this experience is perfect for our family and that we are doing God's work here on Earth. This I know for sure.. We will walk together as a family. Hold hands tighter than we ever have, and we will cross the finish line together. No matter the outcome, love always wins. But only always. 

I like Real.

I like real. Like the raindrops that dried on my window. Some may say they take away from the beauty of the sunset in the distance, but I beg to differ. The messiness of those spots is perfection for me. Makes me love this moment even more. I think of my life and all the blemishes or spots, and I can't help but think of their perfection. I think of the people I love and their blemishes and how those specks of dirt make me love them even more. I will take a flawed, humble, truthful person and their story any day over someone who portrays themself as perfect. I value my loved ones and their ability to share themselves with me. All of themselves. Even, no, especially, the flawed, dirty parts. Real, honest truth sets my soul on fire. I cry sometimes at people's ability to be real, to be honest, to be vulnerable. I am real too. I love who I am. All of who I am. Even the parts that make me cringe when I think of them. The parts of me that are often hard to say out loud. I love all of me. I know so many who don't though. So many who feel inadequate, unworthy. Like the spots on the window. As if there is a constant chitter chatter in their brain telling them negative thoughts. If you have a tape playing in your head saying you are a bad person, you never do anything right, or you are not deserving of all that is good in this life, I challenge you to question that tape. Who pushed play on that? And most importantly, why do you believe it, and WHY haven't you pushed stop on that tape player?? Truth, is your path to freedom.  Being able to say your truths out loud will give you strength. It will take away the false power we have bestowed upon hiding our vulnerabilities. Why do you think the first step in recovery for an addict is saying "my name is Melanie, and I am an addict"? You can't heal what you don't acknowledge. Own your truth. Find a truth partner. Someone trustworthy (that's VERY important), and tell your truths.  When you see your truth partner show mercy and compassion for you, you will start to see why you should do the same for yourself.  In seeing others love me through my sins, I learned to love myself. The freedom that comes from being real, truthful, free... will make you feel like you can fly!  I know this from my own personal experience. Once I learned to own my truth, no one could ever cage me. 

I like real.

Guacamole!!!

 

So, I like to make guacamole. A lot.  So I thought I would share my recipe, since my lovely friends have asked for it.  I really should try to write in this blog more often... but who has the time? lol.

Let's start with ingredients.  And let's just be honest, if you are like me, you don't really follow recipes, but instead use them as guidelines, so feel free to add or subtract as you go along. 

And, truth be told, you must drink sparkling water with lime to truly enjoy this!

4 medium avocados 
2-3 roma tomatoes (or other variety, depends on what you prefer or what's in your fridge.)  
1 small onion (can be white or red, I prefer red, but I was out)  
garlic (either a few cloves or you can use the jar kind, see photo below.)  
handful of cilantro loosely chopped 
1-2 medium to large jalapenos  
1 full size lime or around 4 key limes
Salt 
Food Processor is helpful but not required 

Inexpensive and convenient! Perfect!

 I like to get everything cut up before I start using the food processor, you can also do this all by hand if you don't have a food processor.  So, I usually start with the garlic in the food processor.  I use the butt of my hand and the knife to smash the clove flat and then put them in on pulse and food process it a couple times.  I then add onion that has been cut into chunks  and pulsate it, then add the tomatoes that have been cut into chunks.  I prefer to have pretty chunky guac, if you like yours more smooth, process a little longer.  I then add the avocados that have been cut into medium sized cubes, the lime juice, the cilantro and salt.  I then pulsate this all together and taste it as I go to see if I need more lime or more salt.  Once it is to your liking, you are done!

 Now, about my homemade tortilla chips, simple!  Take tortillas, (I use the whole wheat kind from a local bakery), put a little olive oil on them, salt and pepper to taste, slice them with a rolling pizza cutter, then pop them in a 350 degree oven until they crisp up and turn golden brown.  Voila!  Homemade tortilla chips!

This is one of my favorite simple foods that is healthy and so yummy!! Enjoy!

Last Day of Play

This was the last day that the kids and I would get to hang out before they went back to school.  We decided to go to Exploration place and do a little exploring!  As a mom of 5, I sometimes have to be more "business" than I like.  And I don't mean "business, job, type", I mean the "'I mean business!' mom".  I sometimes joke that I have to keep on my toes, cause once they realize they out number me, it's all over with! lol.  Similar to a prison guard and the inmates.  And yes, I did just compare my kids to inmates. HA!  So, today, I put on my boots and went to play!  I told Juli to put on her play clothes too, cause this was not gonna be a sit-on-the-side-lines type of day!  She is a teenager, you know? She was down.  We went.  And we had an amazing time! Played, laughed and forgot all the rules.  I took some photos with my phone to share.  So, here is what we did...

 

 We rode horses.  We were very peaceful, as you can see.  Then, mommy got a time out.  This was quite fun for the kids!   

 Haanah, who is the wildest wild child, went fishing and then played in the water.

Love her funny faces!!  She is so animated in everything she does.  

 

This was so fun!  We played on the seesaw.  Haanah and I on one side, Juli, Bella and Jack on the other.  This moment right here, summed it up for me.  The laughter and joy that was happening was contagious.  even an older gentleman who walked past stopped to watch and shared in the laughter.  Life isn't always filled with laughter, but I have resolved to be sure that this year is filled with more laughter than ever!  Oh, and I already laugh.  A lot....

Look at this child.  He is getting an idea... Putting it into motion and then... someone else joins in his big idea.. and makes it even bigger than he could do on his own...  Then, look at the sheer amazement in his face! Isn't this the beauty of life?  Once you open up and share with others, the joy and excitement spreads, and voila!  A miracle! 

 We also went sailing and flew planes!  The imagination was soaring!  There were no electronics on this day of fun!  We were unplugged..well, except for my phone, which I was taking photos with...

   

We explored the bugs and reptiles and even got a little windblown.  All in all, a great Kansas experience, all in the comfort of indoors.
Evan was so excited to see the creepy tarantulas and Bella was just in heaven that her brother was taking the time to show her, and not be annoyed by her.

I love the photo of Haanah and the Turtle.  She said that the turtle was scared of her cause it was putting its head in its shell.  She told the turtle "I am a nice girl, turtle, you don't need to hide."  It was so sweet.

 

In the wind machine, Bella was enjoying her hair going wild.  Haanah on the other hand, decided she didn't enjoy that so much.  So she got out.  :)  I love allowing them to experience things and then making a decision for themselves whether they enjoy it or not.  All in all, I have become a more relaxed parent and still learn everyday that I don't need to be in control.  They are doing just fine navigating this world.  All they need is a little redirection occasionally. 

I hope everyone is as excited to be starting another new year as I am.  I have never been one that does a big celebration for the new year, but I must say, that this year, at midnight, my husband and I kissed, hugged and vowed that this is our very best year together.  And so it is.

Homemade Ice Cream... I mean, it is summer and all...

For those that know me, you know this family LOVES ice cream!  It seems it is hard to find good ice cream though, without spending an arm and a leg.  And while making ice cream is not terribly cheap, it is still less expensive than the fancy, hence better tasting, brands.  And you will know exactly what is in it, cause you put it there!!  I am a firm believer that ice cream should not have ingredients that you cannot pronounce!  AND, you can make your own flavors and get your kids in on the action.

Now, if you do not have an ice cream maker, you should!  They are amazing and your kids will think you are the best mum in the whole world!  Seriously!  I have a cuisinart, but in the past, my kids had a ball that made ice cream.  No joke.  We would put all the ingredients in it, after having frozen the ball, put in ice and salt around the enclosed ice cream capsule and then we would put it on the trampoline and they would bounce it around.  After about 30 minutes of this craziness, voila!  Ice cream! Anyway, the husband, who also loves ice cream, bought me an ice cream maker this year.  I am in love with this contraption, so I thought I'd share my favorite recipe today.

I love coffee and chocolate, so I have come up with a coffee chocolate chip recipe.  Here goes... (and if you don't have an ice cream maker, you can still make the mix and put it in a glass bowl in your freezer and just go stir it every 20 minutes or so until it is the consistency you desire.  I know this is long and tedious, hence the reason you should "invest" in an ice cream maker.  And yes, it is an investment.  They do go on sale a lot though, I got mine for $49.  But trust me, it is totally worth it!!)  Now, back to the recipe!

2 cups heavy whipping cream
3/4 cup milk
1/2 to 3/4 C. sugar
1/4 cup Espresso or very dark coffee (you can use more or less according to your taste)
1 1/2 - 2 tsp. pure vanilla extract (I tend to use more.  I like vanilla.)
pinch or two of salt (this helps all the flavors to come out)
1 or 2 handfuls of chocolate chips (or not)



Okay, so I am not a recipe or pattern follower.  I tend to always change them to my liking, so feel free to do the same with the "flavor ingredients".

First, pour the cream, milk, sugar and coffee in a bowl and use electric mixer to blend them until sugar dissolves. 

The heat from the fresh brewed coffee helps it dissolve easier, but don't worry if there is still a little grainy mix on the bottom.

I then put in my vanilla and stir it by hand.  At this point, I would take my ice cream bowl from the freezer, (oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, put the bowl in the freezer the night before so that it will be nice and frozen.)

Put it in the ice cream maker and pour all the ingredients in, saving the chocolate chips for later.  I then turn on my machine and let it start blending.

This is when you start to know it is almost done...the kids are attacking it!

 After about 15 minutes, it will be starting to freeze, at this point, I add my chocolate chips. I then let it run for about 10-15 minutes more, or until it is the consistency I like.  I do not like mine to run long over this, as air gets in the ice cream and it becomes less dense.  I like mine thick.  ;)

See how dense!

Voila!  Fabulosity!

Now, you can enjoy your hard work, well, not really hard.. but enjoy it anyway!

Hello Blog World!

So, I've been reading blogs and doing others tutorials for quite some time, and now, I have decided to jump in and start my own!  I hope to do some tutorials from time to time and share a little of my talents with others who share the same interests.  And hopefully interest some, who don't think they are crafty, (Brooke) to jump in!  And just try it!  I look forward to starting this journey and hope everyone else likes it too!

Love,
Melanie