Rise

Walking into a new year, there is always a feeling of finality of the end of an era, and also a sense of hope for new beginnings. I, like many of you, am taking stock of my year, of what 2014 held for my life and what it really means, in the grand scheme of things. 2014 held incredible highs and abominable lows for me, personally. I started out this year facing my best friends cancer and the devastation it was wreaking on her body. Then, in February, i was blessed to travel to Cabo, all expenses paid through Origami Owl with my other bestie and realized how much I can accomplish and that dreams do come true when you're focused. In July, I was promoted and walked the stage in front of my team at our National Convention. And then, the day after I came home, my world started to unravel. Our family went through some BIG stuff. Then in October, my love and I crossed off a big bucket list item for me. We went to see OPRAH! Yes, Oprah. I met Brené Brown, one of my favorite TED talk authors! We meditated with Deepak Chopra, saw Iyanla Vanzant and Elizabeth Gilbert, author of my favorite book, "Eat, Pray, Love", and Rob Bell. THAT was an incredible weekend! Then, not long after that, I got in a car accident. My two youngest were with me, and by the grace of God, we were all okay. Cars, not so much, but we were fine. And December, we celebrated my 35th birthday. It was the most perfect day. 

This year, I realized how much strength and power I posess to walk through the fire, while also bringing goodness to myself and to others. I know that each highlight and each obstacle I have faced is a gift for me. Each challenge has revealed more and more of my soul and has brought me closer to God as I walk in my purpose. I know that I have been chosen to reveal Gods work through my own triumphs and struggles. {How could I understand and have compassion for others if I had not experienced those same heartaches?}

2014, While having some of my very best moments, I also experienced a heartache deeper than any other. It ripped at my core, and once again, dropped me to my knees, questioning God. "Why me? Why? What did I do to deserve such pain?" And as I walked through the hurt, my angers at those who caused the hurt faded. I pray and meditate daily, some days, more than others. Never avoiding or numbing the pain, just feeling my way through it. Honouring where I am, in each moment. My anguish has turned into the compassion I once wished someone felt for me. It turned into a feeling of, "I understand. I too, was once so broken." It turned into a deep prayer for those individuals. That they would heal so well after this, that they would stop this cycle and never harm another in this way again. It is a deep cycle of karma that ends with me. Instead of reacting in anger or revenge, it ends here. With me. In prayer. In love. In forgiveness. 

This was my 34th year of life. I received all that was the fallout from others selfish actions and took it inside me to heal. I am healing. It's very important, as a Buddhist, that I don't react or lash out or allow those hurts to go past me and hurt others. I don't want my children to hurt or myself to carry anger that will resonate through me into others at later times in my life. This is where forgiveness is so powerful. I will not have to carry the burdens of others actions and live angrily or in sadness. I am absolved of all that is not my doing. Forgiveness is freedom. It is a weight lifted from my soul, that says I don't have to keep holding others sins in the form of resentment, anger, sadness, bitterness and so on. I forgive. Therefore, I am free. I truly believe that my ability to seek God and keep seeking God is what keeps good people and things in my life. It's why I can still love and be love even when I'm hurting. God sees it all and always has things under control. I can just relax and be me. Do good and be good, and good always comes. 

2014 was my year to be brave. I was brave when we ziplined in Cabo, when we ventured out of our comfort zones and stayed extra days exploring the "real" Cabo. I was brave when I dyed my hair platinum and then took it further and made it pink, as well as blue/silver grayi. I was brave when I rode a horse bare-back this year. And here I stand, the bravest I've ever been. Standing in the wake of heartache, the kind that makes you want to destroy those who hurt you, or run far, far away (fight or flight)...here I am. Standing.. and making myself and the purity of my heart known. Praying and hoping to reveal the truth of God through my life. Knowing that God is the seer of all, and the only one I am concerned with pleasing. I am grateful in all things, even in adversity. I am closer to God than I have ever been, and forgiveness is the bravest thing I've ever done.

As I celebrate my 35th year of life and start 2015, I am setting my intentions for what I want to accomplish and focusing on living "The Life I Want". My 34th year was a revealing year for me. It revealed people's true character, including my own. It revealed my strength and showed me what I don't want, while pointing me in the direction of what I absolutely DO want. It has been a transformative year, filled with exuberant highs and devastating lows. It's a year that I will always remember and be grateful for. I am looking forward to making intentional decisions and rising to my fullest potential this year. I will be intentional and make decisions with clarity and purpose, only walking forward toward the life I want. I'm positive that 35 is going to be my best year so far! 

Out of the ashes, I RISE. 

Unravelling.

Life is such a beautiful process of unravelling. I have often thought, when will I catch a break or become immune to hardship? And the reality is, you're never immune. No matter who you are, life is filled with suffering. Learning to navigate the suffering.. That is what we do as humans. Learning to fail with grace. Learning to keep picking ourselves back up. Learning to smile through tears. This is what we do. 

I often think to myself, I want to leave a legacy of joy for all I come in contact with, but especially for those I love. The truth is, We are often unkind and not on our best behavior with those special ones who are closest to us. We mistreat them, and take them for granted. We are mean, jealous, spiteful, ugly in spirit and words and sometimes, awful in deeds, yet, they continue to love us through our faults. This is grace. This is joy through pain. This is unconditional love. (P.s. This doesn't mean they stay with us forever. Sometimes, they love us from afar, when our behaviors are toxic.) 

Many of you know, I have a best friend named Swanny. She has been my friend since I was barely fifteen years old.  She has seen my worst behaviors and my best. She has always been there. She has never turned her back on me. Even when I deserved it. She is always giving what she has. She would never say no if you asked her for something. Never. Even if she didn't really like you. #truestory She has always been a hard worker. A loyal friend. She loves without conditions. Has helped me raise my children. She loves them like her own. She is my sister.  

My friend, my sister, is living with stage 4 cancer (I wanted to say battling, but it seems like such a harsh word.) This, is real life stuff. The stuff where you get to see what you're made of. Where you get to lean on God and faith and those around you. You get to be on display for all to see how you handle being under pressure.  I stay strong in front of her, but watching your friend suffer day in and day out, that's HARD. But how can i complain of the pain in my heart when I know the physical and emotional pain my friend endures daily? The chemo, the radiation, the surgeries, the infections and complications.. The answer, i don't. I keep smiling. I keep laughing. I keep holding her hand and telling her I will always be there. Because I will. Telling her I love her and appreciate her. And praying for more time with her. That miracles will manifest and she will heal. That my children will not have to keep watching their Auntie hurt. You ever thought something was hard to talk about, try explaining death to a child. Or why someone whom they love deeply has to suffer through cancer. Yeah. Now life just got real. Kids want to know why. And they don't accept "just because".  

The only way I know how to cope is to find the blessing. Find the part that is contributing to my life and be grateful for that. For instance, had it not been for cancer, we wouldn't have spent almost everyday together for the last year, going to appointments. It added so much together time to our world that we would never have had otherwise. And her suffering, it teaches me. It ingrains in me. It makes me appreciate LIFE. Breath. Health. Even The unravelling. It allows me the gift of showing my children we can suffer, yet still be filled with hope, love, and joy. We can still be happy deep down inside as we go through gut wrenching things. We can make the choice to find the grace. We can choose joy. 

I choose joy. No matter what. I choose joy. #effcancer. #yousuck. 

Someday, I'll live in a temple..

Anyone who knows me well, knows I dream of, one day, living in a temple as a Buddhist nun and spending my days in prayer and meditation and studying holy scriptures and chanting mantras.

Well, recently, in my meditation, it occurred to me that I cannot wait until the circumstances are perfect to start living the life of my dreams.   And I cannot go live in a temple at this very moment, so... my realization is this:

I already live in a temple. My body is my temple. It houses my soul. And just as I would be on my best, most pious behavior inside a temple, I must behave my best everyday.  Live holy and devout by being healthy inside my body. I must take care of it, from the inside out. Feed it well, practice cleanliness and good health hygiene, exercise, go to the doctor when something needs repaired, and be kind and gentle and nourish it, as well as nourishing my mind and spirit.  The same way you would ask your children to care for their body, heart and soul. {you are your child's greatest teacher.} It also occurred to me that my life, everyday, as a mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter or neighbor is my deepest meditation. Where better to be patient than with screaming, tired children when you, yourself,  haven't slept more than three hours at a time in years? Where better to practice love than with people who you want to deem unloveable? Where better to practice compassion than with a person who intentionally or unintentionally causes you harm? Where better to become peace than in the midst of chaos? My life and my actions, must become the holy scriptures I long to study. My words and conversations must become my mantras.  

All that I wish to focus on in that temple, that I imagine in my glorious future, I must focus on today. In this moment. 

No need to keep looking toward the future for the best days of my life to happen, everyday is the best day, if I can remember to be present, and be grateful for each experience and all it encompasses.  No need to put off becoming patient or more loving or more adventurous. No need to wait until my life is perfect to enjoy it fully. Today, this moment, that's all we really have. Tomorrow is never promised.   

As I am walking through my own personal journey of bravery and growth, I hope that I can encourage you also, even if just a tiny bit. I want my story to show you that adversity doesn't determine your destiny. Only you have the power to do that. You can change your life if it's not what you imagined your life to be. You can. You get a new opportunity every second to be better than you were. If you were mean to your children or your spouse or even to yourself, say sorry. If you made a decision you aren't proud of, or said something you wish you hadn't, Repent. And chose a better feeling action, word or thought. It's truly that simple. You can be better. You can be stronger. You can be bolder than you ever dreamed possible. It's all inside of you to make this life the life of your dreams. 

My meditation today prompted me to not let my heartaches and my own sins be in vain. Let them be told, so just maybe I can give someone else hope to tell their story. To be brave. To be bold. To be free. 

Blessings,

Melanie

I am okay

So, my friends who have called, text and messaged me asking what is wrong and am I okay...  I want to address you all and say, nothing is 'wrong' per se.  Cause we all know that I believe whole-heartedly that everything is always happening for our best interest, mine included.  and yes, I am okay.  and yes, I know my posts on facebook are "different".  thank you all, so much, for caring, loving me and reaching out, offering to help in any way.  it truly has touched me and shown me what great people i have attracted into my life. #lawofattraction

I have counseled many of you and (hopefully) helped some of you as you have walked through really hard things in your own lives over the years, and now, I get to be the student. Yes, 'get to'.  I get to walk through really hard things.  I get to experience heartbreak and anguish, sadness and also some pretty big anger, firsthand.  I am walking through things that have changed me and my life forever. hopefully, as I walk through this adversity, I do it so well, that there is minimal damage to those walking with me.  minimal fallout.  but, if I fail or succeed, either way, I will still be a teacher as I learn to walk through fire with grace, {this girl is on fiyah} because we are all the student and the teacher, always.  I hope to walk through this so well, so thoroughly, that when I come out on the other side I will be the shiniest damn diamond you ever saw {shine bright like a diamond}!

{sidenote, everything has become a song reference these days.  trust me, there's a song for every moment!}

God, Spirit, The Universe or whatever name you call the Divine, has great plans for my life, I have always known this.  And.. it turns out, the plans are not what I had actually planned.  {let it go, let it go} ;)  life is funny like that though.  always giving us exactly what we need, not what we humanly want.  I am embracing (and sometimes resisting) each moment of each day and at some point, I will probably tell details of these trials, cause that's just me.  I am a talker.  I like to use my own messy life as a teacher and example for others...showing you that there is always light at the end of the tunnel and it's much funner, yes funner, to dance in the rain than to wait for the storm to pass.  but for now, just know, I am okay.  I am still filled with love and light.  my heart has been cracked wide open in order for the light to escape at an even greater rate.  big changes, I am greeting you with all that I have left in me. (also, stuff like this sure does humble you.)

now, it's time for me to get back in my boat. {row, row, row your boat} aka meditate more.  prayer and meditation have been my savior and my daily sanctuary through this time.  I encourage you to embrace them both in your life as well, especially if you are facing challenges.  starting your day with gratitude helps also. (check out my instagram for the boat reference.)

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes.  this photo is of my peonies from my garden.  they are overflowing with beauty and splendor. but you don't know that until they bloom. see how tight they are in their buds?  just like all of us.  the beauty comes out once they break open.

(both pics I posted are from my instagram, so yeah, you should probably follow me there if you like them.)

Love,
Melanie

The gifts cancer has given me

Life. My road through life thus far has been bumpy and sometimes jagged. Not sure it's ever been smooth. I wonder if anyone's has been? If you looked at my life from the outside, you might shake your head in disbelief, you might relate totally, or you might think, that girl is so lucky! See, that's the thing about perspective. Everyone has a different point of view. The eagle flying above sees a vast picture with views for miles. Where, we, as humans only see what's right in front of us, whether looking forward or backwards. That's how I tend to think about God. God sees it all. The big picture. The wrongs, the rights, the joys, and the sorrows. God knows why each experience is perfect for the one receiving it. This knowing, has helped me walk through some of the largest trials I have faced in my life. It has led me out of the dark pits of what could only be described as hell. It has been my "saving grace".

Now, as I walk this journey with Swanny, my best friend, my sister, of almost 20 years, that perspective allows me to walk with joy in my heart. I have made it my goal to receive cancer's blessings in my life. I am fully focused on rising up and doing what is needed in each moment, rather than focusing on the fear and sadness that I feel. Seeing the blessing in all that is lain before me. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely days when I want to pull the covers over my head and hide, and somedays I try. (Hard to do with 5 kids that need you all the time.) but, like I tell my children feel sad when you're sad, feel angry when you're angry, but you are not allowed to live there! You keep walking. Even when we want to fall to our knees, we keep walking. I thought I would share some of the gifts that cancer has bestowed upon me...

Live and love in this very moment. 

Do not wait for things to be perfect to be happy. 

Enjoy every breath you take on this Earth. 

The body is an amazing, miraculous thing!

Laugh. A lot.

Live on purpose. 

Say yes more.

Don't get so mad that you lose focus of the good.

People are good.

Be present. So, so present.

Slow down. Speak slower, make decisions slower, live slower.

Hope is strong!! Faith is even greater. And trusting what IS?? That is the key. 

Miracles are happening in every single moment, but you must have eyes to see and ears to hear. I believe in miracles.  

Last week, we got some scary news, had to do some more tests, and then got the results.  They are not ideal.  The cancer has spread to Swanny's liver.  It is not what we had hoped for. It isn't the reality that any of us would like to be living with, but it is our reality. From the beginning of this whole thing, we have hoped to cure it and just be done with the whole cancer thing.  Life doesn't always work that way.  We get what we need for our souls to grow, not what we want on a human level. I am trusting that this experience is perfect for our family and that we are doing God's work here on Earth. This I know for sure.. We will walk together as a family. Hold hands tighter than we ever have, and we will cross the finish line together. No matter the outcome, love always wins. But only always. 

I like Real.

I like real. Like the raindrops that dried on my window. Some may say they take away from the beauty of the sunset in the distance, but I beg to differ. The messiness of those spots is perfection for me. Makes me love this moment even more. I think of my life and all the blemishes or spots, and I can't help but think of their perfection. I think of the people I love and their blemishes and how those specks of dirt make me love them even more. I will take a flawed, humble, truthful person and their story any day over someone who portrays themself as perfect. I value my loved ones and their ability to share themselves with me. All of themselves. Even, no, especially, the flawed, dirty parts. Real, honest truth sets my soul on fire. I cry sometimes at people's ability to be real, to be honest, to be vulnerable. I am real too. I love who I am. All of who I am. Even the parts that make me cringe when I think of them. The parts of me that are often hard to say out loud. I love all of me. I know so many who don't though. So many who feel inadequate, unworthy. Like the spots on the window. As if there is a constant chitter chatter in their brain telling them negative thoughts. If you have a tape playing in your head saying you are a bad person, you never do anything right, or you are not deserving of all that is good in this life, I challenge you to question that tape. Who pushed play on that? And most importantly, why do you believe it, and WHY haven't you pushed stop on that tape player?? Truth, is your path to freedom.  Being able to say your truths out loud will give you strength. It will take away the false power we have bestowed upon hiding our vulnerabilities. Why do you think the first step in recovery for an addict is saying "my name is Melanie, and I am an addict"? You can't heal what you don't acknowledge. Own your truth. Find a truth partner. Someone trustworthy (that's VERY important), and tell your truths.  When you see your truth partner show mercy and compassion for you, you will start to see why you should do the same for yourself.  In seeing others love me through my sins, I learned to love myself. The freedom that comes from being real, truthful, free... will make you feel like you can fly!  I know this from my own personal experience. Once I learned to own my truth, no one could ever cage me. 

I like real.

Guacamole!!!

 

So, I like to make guacamole. A lot.  So I thought I would share my recipe, since my lovely friends have asked for it.  I really should try to write in this blog more often... but who has the time? lol.

Let's start with ingredients.  And let's just be honest, if you are like me, you don't really follow recipes, but instead use them as guidelines, so feel free to add or subtract as you go along. 

And, truth be told, you must drink sparkling water with lime to truly enjoy this!

4 medium avocados 
2-3 roma tomatoes (or other variety, depends on what you prefer or what's in your fridge.)  
1 small onion (can be white or red, I prefer red, but I was out)  
garlic (either a few cloves or you can use the jar kind, see photo below.)  
handful of cilantro loosely chopped 
1-2 medium to large jalapenos  
1 full size lime or around 4 key limes
Salt 
Food Processor is helpful but not required 

Inexpensive and convenient! Perfect!

 I like to get everything cut up before I start using the food processor, you can also do this all by hand if you don't have a food processor.  So, I usually start with the garlic in the food processor.  I use the butt of my hand and the knife to smash the clove flat and then put them in on pulse and food process it a couple times.  I then add onion that has been cut into chunks  and pulsate it, then add the tomatoes that have been cut into chunks.  I prefer to have pretty chunky guac, if you like yours more smooth, process a little longer.  I then add the avocados that have been cut into medium sized cubes, the lime juice, the cilantro and salt.  I then pulsate this all together and taste it as I go to see if I need more lime or more salt.  Once it is to your liking, you are done!

 Now, about my homemade tortilla chips, simple!  Take tortillas, (I use the whole wheat kind from a local bakery), put a little olive oil on them, salt and pepper to taste, slice them with a rolling pizza cutter, then pop them in a 350 degree oven until they crisp up and turn golden brown.  Voila!  Homemade tortilla chips!

This is one of my favorite simple foods that is healthy and so yummy!! Enjoy!